This post is hard for me to write but I feel it is something I want to share and that people have asked me about frequently. I will not go into great detail but simply let others know you're not alone. For some it may come as a shock others may think they know what has been going on . I live with an addict. Yes, my husband is an addict and has possibly one of the worst diseases there could be. Life has been hard, it has been exhausting living with my addict. It has been hard becoming an addict myself a love addict or co-dependant addict. The past few years I have lived in fear, in judgement and I am thankful I was given the strength to over come this.
A few years ago my husband got kidney stones and thus had pain killers. It was a fast and bold addiction to those pills which has put me where I am today. When I first learned there was a problem I was in denial. It could not be, I was being a worry wart. Then it just began to get worse, the lies and the sleepless nights. My husband lied to me, he stole precious time from our family, and he deprived himself of countless blessings. There were many times I would pray matt would come home safe. That he would stop using, why couldn't he just stop. This is not him, this is not the man I married. I had become so wrapped up in trying to prevent him from using trying to keep him safe ( a task which is not possible). I became sick myself and was wrapped up in becoming a co dependenat. Blaming myslef for his actions, trying to cover up for him and his negative actions. I hurt myself just as much as my addict did. Living with an addict is painful, it is hard to see someone you love hurt so much. It is hard to not want to rescue them and hide there secret just the same. I would constantly call, text or try to follow matt to what i thought was keeping him safe. If I could just prevent him from using the drug. It would push him farther away and it would make me even more sick. He turned to other drugs and become what I would call a ghost and someone I no longer knew. I do not judge him for any of this, I simply love him. Most people judge a person for using drugs or alcohol, I know I used to be one. The reality is I have since learned this disease does not discriminate it takes all people. Good people, bad people, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, bishops and priests. People you would never think of. . .
The past three months have been challenging. Matt has been in rehab, I have been what I would consider a single mother with lots of support and I have been overcoming being co-dependant. I am happy to say we are both recovering and living a life of sobriety. While this has been my hardest trial in life thus far I could not have overcome it were it not for the help of the lord. People ask how I lived and survived living with my addict. For anyone who has had to live with an addict they know the hell that it is. The only answer I have for that is, God. For I know this was not possible to overcome and live through had he not been by my side, to push me to carry me to love me and to give me the courage to live. I. .