Living with My Addict and becoming one

This post is hard for me to write but I feel it is something I want to share and that people have asked me about frequently. I will not go into great detail but simply let others know you're not alone. For some it may come as a shock others may think they know what has been going on . I live with an addict. Yes, my husband is an addict and has possibly one of the worst diseases there could be. Life has been hard, it has been exhausting living with my addict. It has been hard becoming an addict myself a love addict or co-dependant addict. The past few years I have lived in fear, in judgement and I am thankful I was given the strength to over come this. 

A few years ago my husband got kidney stones and thus had pain killers. It was a fast and bold addiction to those pills which has put me where I am today. When I first learned there was a problem I was in denial. It could not be, I was being a worry wart. Then it just began to get worse, the lies and the sleepless nights.  My husband lied to me, he stole precious time from our family, and he deprived himself of countless blessings.  There were many times I would pray matt would come home safe. That he would stop using, why couldn't he just stop. This is not him, this is not the man I married.  I had become so wrapped up in trying to prevent him from using trying to keep him safe ( a task which is not possible). I became sick myself and was wrapped up in becoming a co dependenat. Blaming myslef for his actions, trying to cover up for him and his negative actions. I hurt myself just as much as my addict did. Living with an addict is painful, it is hard to see someone you love hurt so much. It is hard to not want to rescue them and hide there secret just the same. I would constantly call, text or try to follow matt to what i thought was keeping him safe. If I could just prevent him from using the drug. It would push him farther away and it would make me even more sick. He turned to other drugs and become what I would call a ghost and someone I no longer knew. I do not judge him for any of this, I simply love him. Most people judge a person for using drugs or alcohol, I know I used to be one. The reality is I have since learned this disease does not discriminate it takes all people. Good people, bad people, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, bishops and priests. People you would never think of. . . 

The past three months have been challenging. Matt has been in rehab, I have been what I would consider a single mother with lots of support and I have been overcoming being co-dependant. I am happy to say we are both recovering and living a life of sobriety. While this has been my hardest trial in life thus far I could not have overcome it were it not for the help of the lord. People ask how I lived and survived living with my addict. For anyone who has had to live with an addict they know the hell that it is. The only answer I have for that is, God. For I know this was not possible to overcome and live through had he not been by my side, to push me to carry me to love me and to give me the courage to live. I. . 

Month 3

To my dear sweet Ali

This month you are talking up a storm. I thought the first weeks you changed a lot, you have really changed this month especially. Your first real laugh happened this month and we were lucky enough to capture it on video. Bath time is now one of your favorite things to do, in fact you scream bloody murder when we have to take you out. Aunt Mayloni tells you this is not an attractive feature throwing tantrums. I have to agree, you do freak out when you don't get your way right when you want it. The upside to that is there are very few times that you're displeased or wanting something right that second. The jumper is another one of your favorite toys you love to bounce in it and get a huge grin on your face. You have just started trying to roll over on the hard ground, you can do it in your cradle grandpa Lindsay made you but that rocks a little bit so it gives you the momentum you need. Sam likes to sit by you now that you can hold your head up and grab his fur. When you start to grab his fur to much he simply starts licking your face (head) until you let go. Yes, the first time I saw this in action I freaked out. Now not so much. Don't worry I would never let him hurt you and we use hand sanitizer lots after you play with him. Dad loves talking with you in the early mornings, as you are always up at 7 right on the dot. Who needs an alarm when we have you. We also had your blessing this month and Uncle Ryan was able to bless you. We did a small get together at grandma and grandpas. You cried almost through the whole thing but it was still a very wonderful and spiritual moment for me and your dad. The gospel has such power in our lives when we let it. I am so thankful you were able to have this special blessing and name bestowed upon you. Your first name Aliyah dad gave you as he liked the meaning that is behind it and it just felt right, he also picked the spelling your nick name Ali mom gave you as you were my little alligator from the first ultrasound. Your middle name is a family name which is also my middle name and your great-grandparents last name. We love you very much bean and are happy you are in our lives

xoxo mom and dad


   .

Month 2

It is official your are my little shrimp. We had your 2 month dr's appointment and your stats are still in the 20th%. You hated your shots. In the beginning you were so smiley laying on the Dr table, then as she poked you all hell broke loose. Your poor little eyes filled up with tears and the screams just kept coming. After a few minutes you were fine and back to your normal happy self.

I have created many names for you now as your personality is becoming more apparent. For the most part you are always happy, calm and pretty mellow. I thank the lord for this! Our daily routine consists of bath time, uncle clay playing with you, play time at grandmas while I go to work, visiting daddy on Thursdays, and then sleeping. You sleep through a majority of the night now, waking up only twice. You are still in your newborn clothes but they are slowly getting snug.

Your bff is sadie may, you two love playing together and more often then not your little fist winds up getting ate by her mouth. When you see daddy you smile a lot. We were able to go down and see him for Easter. Your first little easter was AWESOME! We bought you a cute little dress that matched sadie mays, went to church, had lunch with the giles' at the north fields and then went down to visit dad. We gave him a picture frame of your picture, a foot print and hand print of you. Thankfully grandma g helped me get the print of your hand. It took us 20 tries before we got a good one and there was orange paint everywhere! Grandma giles says you remind her a lot of me...spoiled, stubborn, and laughy. You remind me a lot of your dad, you're calm and mellow always wanting to stay away and just watch people. You FIGHT sleeping in the daytime. After 5 minutes of napping you're up smiling and ready to go again. We love you bean!

Month 1

Oh Ali Bean how I love you. You have changed so much these past 4 weeks. You're still physically petite and you love to watch people. Everyone told me you would sleep lots, poop lots, and eat lots. Well you're like your dad and me and walk to your own beat. You don't hardly sleep during the day wanting to watch everything, "naps" consisting of 5 min, you poop every 3 days (i asked the dr as long as its soft you're ok), and you eat about every 3-4 hrs. Sammy ( our black cocker spaniel) wants to eat you up, not literally. You like him too! You smile so much!!! Your first smile was when you were only a week old you breathe in deep which my interpenetration is a laugh. We spend the mornings in the rocking chair and let the sun shine in while we read scriptures, books and write letters to dad.

The first two weeks you were home were stressful, hard, and the most rewarding experience I believe there is. Mimi (grandma rawlings) came and stayed the first 3 nights with us and helped take care of you while we slept. Your first bath you screamed and screamed and screamed. Your 2 week appointment and it looks like you're going to be a shrimp too, as you're only in the 20th %. The last 2 weeks of this month were possibly the hardest for you, for our family. Your daddy went to a residential facility in payson. To get healthy for him, for you and for me. During this time we took lots of pictures, I told you lots about him and he talked to you over the phone. Here I am to provide for you take care of you in all ways possible. Little did I know you would be the one taking care of me at this time. I love you ali bean and I will always hold dear to the time I had with just you over the next few months. I cannot wait for you someday to be a mother and experience the pure joy you bring into my life.

Aliyah Lindsay Rawlings

I know I am way behind the game but these are memories I never want to forget. So better late than never.

Ali finally made her grand entrance on February 6, 2013 at 11:12 p.m. The story went something like this:

Up until about 3 days before she got here I was doing great, working (although slow) I wasn't to uncomfortable but was defiantly ready for my body back. (Little did I know even after having her..this will never happen again. We had just gone to the Dr. earlier on the 4th and it did not look like our little darling was going to be coming anytime soon, although I was 2 weeks over. Matt and I had just gone to be around 1 am on the 5th and out of no where I was like crap matt I just pee'd my pants, I get up go to the bathroom change, get back in bed just to pee my pants again. It was then that matt and I realized I wasn't peeing my pants my water broke. Since I was so prepared for this little one to get here I was sure to have my bags all packed, house clean, all that jazz. Not, I felt so unprepared and was grabbing things like a mad woman. The bag I had initially packed I unpacked and now I was left with nothing. Thankfully matt managed to get us to the hospital and all the things we would need.

Over 24 hrs of labor, 3 hrs of pushing and my sweet baby girl arrived at 7lbs 19" long happy and healthy. The next day we went home to start out this crazy adventure!!

20 Weeks

It seems time is flying by and I am doing my best to take in as much of this experience as possible!!!

Things I Love about being pregnant:
-Feeling her move
-Having an overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude
-Not being sick
-Maternity Clothes aka my pajamas
-Taking frequent naps (and it being ok)
-Working Less
-The belly rubs
-Planning
-No stretch marks (yet) wahoo:)
-3 a.m. tangents about what she will look like, what we need to do, something I just read

Things I DO NOT Love about being pregnant:
-Getting gal stones
-Paranoia about something going wrong
-Nightmares
-Foggy Brain
-Sleeping on my side
-Taking my nightly shots...that I am allergic too

We only have 4 more months until Ali is here and we are jumping up and down for joy. I cannot wait to meet her and Matt cannot wait to have his "wife" back. I don't know if it is just me but being pregnant has made me crazy! I am grateful I have a wonderful husband by my side who puts up with me, helps me, and is just plain amazing. This pregnancy has been wonderful in the sense I have not had the standard pregnant woman sickness. I hope the next 4 months continue to be this great!!

20 Weeks

An Alligator of Course

From the beginning of my pregnancy Matt and I both thought it was a little girl. However, just like most men matt wanted a little boy first. A big brother to be the defender for his little sisters. It looks like we were both right though and are getting out precious little girl first and couldn't be more excited!

When we had our first ultrasound at 4 weeks she looked like a little alligator and so we nicknamed her Al and often times still call her that. We had many names picked out for a little boy but not many for a little girl. Madison was what we both have always wanted to name our first little girl. When we found out it was a little girl we both looked at each other and said "Hey, I think we are supposed to name her Ali". It was such a strong impression we knew right then that Ali was the name we would call her. So it is that our little girls name first came about from an ultrasound that resembled and alligator.

 Matt picked out Aliyah and we will call her Ali for short. Lindsay is my mothers maiden name as well as my middle name so we decided to name her Aliyah Lindsay Rawlings. Yes, it is a mouth full but we love it!!!

Our Little Miracle

For years now I have pondered and dreamed of what it would be like for Matt and I to have children. There were a lot of low moments through out these years. My friends would get pregnant, and while I was thrilled for them I also hated them. It was difficult to go through miscarriages and feel like I let myself down, and let Matt down. Now I can see how all of those trials and the heart ache have paid off. I am now 5 MONTHS pregnant with our little girl!
             When we first found out that our second round of in-vetro worked we were excited and also extremely scared! Here we have been preparing for year but are we truly ready, gosh was that the right timing? I know more now than ever that yes, we are ready and this is the right time.
             It is such a blessling and miracle to have this little human growing inside of me. She is my strength when I am blue and my humbler in every way. She has brought such joy to matt and I and we cannot wait until we meet her!

XO XO XO

Wait for it Wait for it

Yes it is true we are going to HAWAII!!! So excited for a vacation with my hubby and some amazing friends! We shall enjoy the comfort of the beach, the resort, and oh yes not having to work. Ok, ok who am I kidding we will still be working from our phones while on vacation. Welcome to ownership. I am looking forward to the sunshine and time with Matt though!

Our amazing resort Westin Princville

It all Counts

So many things that I have forgotten to write about: Christmas, new years, my birthday (so old now), valentines, buying a new truck, and an organizing rampage! Oh well, fresh starts are always good. 

The past few months seem like they have been a complete rollercoaster. Our lives never seem to settle down...at all. We have finally decided to do in-vetro after years of trying on our own and other fertility options! Now that we know we get to do that the reality has set in. All the fears, excitement, and anxiety of becoming a parent are very apparent. Yes, I suppose it has been there for the past 3 years but now even more so. We just have to figure out when we want to get it done now. My favorite is hearing the Dr say, well it would be helpful if you lost some weight...Really he seriously said it like that. So I am trying super hard to accomplish that. In the same breath he says yes I understand with the fertility medication, with your high blood sugar, and stress levels this will be difficult but it would be helpful. Are ya freakin kidding me! It is crazy the trials we all get to face in life! For awhile I (selfishly) kept thinking gosh this trial sucks. After analyzing the big spectrum I realized (yet again) it is not that bad.

Another thing in the making, I contemplate every week if I want to go back to school and get a degree in...hmmm... ya I don't know.  Then I remember how much work, time, and effort school took the first time and I quickly change my mind. So instead of that goal, sewing, dancing and cooking have become my new goals! 

Matt is busy as usual building houses in midway, managing all the properties, the insurance work and spending time with me. When does he sleep you ask? Well he doesn't, I mean 2 hrs a night isn't sleep right..that's a cat nap. It might be because he HATES our bed (which i agree it is a little uncomfortable). So I finally broke down and bought a new bed this week! Super excited about that.

For now life is calming down and we are even (cross my fingers and hold my breath), thinking about taking a vacation. We shall see how that pans out :)

There was no stoping it

Through all my delays and anti-debates it finally did happen. Matt got a SNOWMOBILE! Yes, I did grow up with them and yes they were tons of fun. However, I do not like the cold, I do not like speed, and well lets face it. Grown men and their egos are VERY dangerous. While I am a little worried about it I know he is so happy and is going to have a lot of fun with friends and of course my little brother Josh. All he could do was grin the whole way home. Once we were home he said, "hop on lets drive it around the yard" I replied with you're nuts but ok just once. (We already have to replace the track so what the heck)

I always tease him that while we love our job even though it is demanding, we work holidays, long hours and never get to see each other there are some perks. This snowmobile is that perk!

Congrats Matty, you finally got your baby!

His Big GRin:)

His Sidekick Sam always goes with him

Couponing

So it is no known secret with my family and close friends that I am indeed addicted to shopping. However, I have always been a huge bargain shopper and rarely will I buy something if it is not on sale or I do not have a coupon for. Shoes are my favorite to buy and that's why I can have 60 pair because I coupon, buy on sales etc.
The biggest money saver for me though is in groceries. In an average month I spend roughly $200-$300 depending upon what hygiene items I need to stock up on. Whenever there are buy 10 for a killer deal I will, for example if it is toothpaste (only crest). That way I save money in the long run. This is how I do it:

-I plan out a month worth of meals, it really is not that difficult and that way if I am not feeling like spaghetti one night I can look down the road and see hmm I have stuff to make tacos that sounds better to me. I also pack lunches for matt at work (most days now) and cook a good healthy breakfast to.
-I clip coupons and read if I can use them on multiple items and if I can also apply other coupons to it. I take the old newspapers people (neghibors, family, friends) don't want and clip out of those as well. I also search on websites. For example I needed more laundry detergent and that stuff is expensive. I had a coupon I clipped for $2 and went onto the tide website and they happened to have a consumer coupon that could be applied with any other offers for $1.75, I waited until Smiths had a sale on the tide and ended up getting 50 loads for $5.20. NEVER PAY FULL PRICE
- I love fresh fruits and vegetables so I get a bountiful basket most weeks and I am able to incorporate them into most of the meals I have planned. Some turn out to be a masterpiece and others a smasterpiece. I also never buy more fresh food than I can use in one week because otherwise it goes bad.
- I buy lots of items that have double rewards points. That way I get more coupons in the mail as well as the cash out for however many points I have. So I could get $50.00 a month for just spending money on certain items. Items we all use daily
-I always buy what is on sale or that is generic. There are somethings I like brand names for and those I wait until they are on sale to get and I stock up. Like toothpastes and deodorants, razor blades etc.

In a nut shell this is basically how I do it. Just got home from the grocery store today, I spent $217.40 (saved $63.62) and got all of this....

Lots of produce, canned veggies, soups, broths, cat food, dog food, chips, drinks,

It is hard to see it all but I tried to get most of it to where it wouldn't be to hidden

When I see a Frowny Face

Matt truly is wonderful and is was intended for just me! I was having a rough day and sick day. At 3 p.m. the doorbell rang. I didn't want to answer because as embarrassing as it is I was still in my pj's. But after the 3 doorbell ring I answered and it was a big bouquet of flowers! It was so sweet and thoughtful of him! I am defiantly the flower type girl...and chocolate but who isn't right. I feel very blessed to have someone Love me unconditionally!

Shh,....

So Matt took me hunting with him a couple weeks ago, maybe it was just last week. I have no idea I can't remember. Anyways he took me hunting and I had so much fun!!! I love to hike I could do it all day and be the happiest person in the world. The only problem is I love to sing to myself, talk to myself and others, take pictures. Oh, wait you're not supposed to do that when hunting huh. Matt informed me while he loves my company I quickly ended up on the bottom of the list for a hunting partner:) I was the one who saw the 3 point mind you. Animal whisperer, that's what I should have been. I had a blast and enjoyed the time I was able to spend with Matt, in the mountains doing something we both love!

I was so tired from lack of sleep but loved it

Really, were hunting and your snapping pictures:)

Conference Weekend

No Why Couldn't I have fixed that for Conference

This is the 1st year since Matt and I have been married that we stayed home for Conference. Usually we do a road trip and just listen on the radio. Man have I been missing out. I loved that we just stayed home ate a good breakfast, lunch and snuggled up on the couch and watched. No being sick had nothing to do with being on the couch ok. I really did gain a stronger testimony over this weekends conference. It seemed like all the talks I was awake for (terrible I know) were meant just for me. I learned two valuable things, or I feel they are valuable for me.
1: I judge way to much. Seriously, I am constantly telling Matt. Gosh, why did that person do that, gosh, why didn't that person do that. If I were them I would....The fact is everyone doesn't need to be like me and that is great! Everyone doesn't have to agree with me and that is great! I was taught to love all those around me, we are all daughters and sons of heavenly father. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten that. How grateful I am for the words that were spoken and went deep into my heart.
2: Children will come when they are ready. That may not even be in this lifetime. I have instead been blessed with wonderful nieces and nephews, cousins and a wonderful eternal companion. Elder Nielsen? spoke of a couple who were asked if they have children after being married for years. I too have had many people ask, "You've been married for 4 years, when are you going to have children?". For most this is a normal question to ask as well as answer. For me it was not so easy, I have learned that people mean well. And yes while it is sometimes emotional for me to accept and answer that question it is making me a stronger person. We are very fortunate that the possibility to have our own biological children is still an option, just more difficult. This talk did make me feel so much better and relax about the AWESOME trial that I have been blessed with the opportunity to endure. As I do now see it as just that, a blessing. I am becoming a better and stronger person and in turn have a close relationship with the Lord and with Matt.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

So for the past 5 months I have been saying I need to loose weight I need to get in shape. Then sadly enough, I go out and eat a shake or a greasy cheeseburger (not hamburger, yuck). Final I am ready to act upon it. I have been going to the gym for awhile and working out, but honestly I haven't been giving it a 100%. What can I say I love food! At our last meeting the dr. recommended that I loose some weight that it can help. Gee thanks dr. was what ran through my mind at the time. He said it in a very kind and loving way. Hello it's weight though is there any kind and loving way to say hmmm hmm you're about 46 pds over weight. So here it goes, my journey towards weight loss to hopefully help with getting a little baby eventually and healthier life. Even if I don't get to carry it in my belly there will be lots of running around later and I need to be in shape for that.

I met with my personal trainer today Juliette and she is WONDERFUL!!! She has helped me become a morning person (the only time I can/should work out with work and all) as well as boost my confidence. Today I took, gulp, the body measurements and weight and fat tests. FAIL FAIL FAIL! I am so happy that I did though and am now able to loose this weight and be well ME again. Bring on the support system :)

Staring Out Measurements/Weight:
Weight- 158 lbs
Body Fat- 34.1% (hmm mmm are the batteries new, really it's that much)
Chest- 39 1/2 ---that could stay the same I am ok with being endowed
Waist- 36
Upper Arm- 14
Butt- 43 (matt will miss that TMI)
Thigh- 25 1/2
Calf-16

I am not just posting this to give me motivation but so my family knows my measurements and can if they so choose buy me, none else than clothes for Christmas. Mom if you get the size wrong this year, there's no hope for the future. (Just in case) No I no longer wear x-small.

Crystal Clear Caymans

This place was beautiful with crystal clear water. I am so glad we decided to do snorkeling here. We went to a stingray sandbar and held (or tried to) tons of stingrays! I was nervous at first more so than I was with the dolphin. My fear was only escalated when one ate my finger. Well sucked it really hard because they don't have teeth. It was amazingly painful. Matt was a total natural at holding them. The trainer claimed the more calm and soft you were the easier it is to hold them. I am thinking this went to matts head since the remaining of the time he kept expressing how "sensitive" he is and how "gentle" his touch is. He was just so "comfortable" around them.
Snorkeling was incredible. The pictures just don't do justice. The coral was full of fish and sharp rocks which matt would testify to. The water was really shallow over some of the coral at some spots. Unfortunatly matt had a fight with one and lost the battle. There is a picture to see the allergic reaction he had when he brushed up against some. We all survived and had a blast!

See the excitement

this was right before...

it ate my finger

Love this Picture

It was pretty steamy

the deadly corral

Fricking A this hurts

There were GIANT iguanas everywhere, this one was super green

I Meagan, Swam with the Dolphins, In the Ocean

Honduras September 22, 2011
Initially we were going to go kayak in the ocean but at the last minute matt surprised me with a trip to swim with the dolphins. I was so excited! Before we left I told him how I found this place that you could actually swim with sharks (in a cage of course silly) which I thought would be awesome, everyone else not so much. I told him the next best thing would be to swim with dolphins. I was worried when that morning came I was so tired and sick that I wasn't going to be able to go. Might I recommend not staying out and dancing so late. Ya, it was not a smart choice but matt and I had a blast. We were able to swim with dixon the dolphin and his trainer in a facility which is right off of the beach. Side note: swimming in the ocean water not ideal. I was able to get pictures with dixon, feel his teeth, tongue and fins. Really neat experience!
I cannot take credit for the amazing shots of the dolphins in the air, that was all Matt 

Our awesome friends Clay and Tricia

You'd better Belize It

Belieze was the second port stop: September 21, 2011

This was a CRAZY place! The poverty here is crazy. It really humbled me to go to this particular place. Cave tubing is the excursion we decided to do for this day. We privately booked this tour, we went with cave-tubing.com. The men were hilarious and really loved there job. Uncle Tido was our tour guide and while he didn't smell the best he was good to keep us entertained. We hiked through the jungle and then went through the underground caves on the inner tubes. I was so worried about snakes being in the water and jungle fortunately no snakes were seen! Killer ants however, were everywhere  and were carrying leaves off of the trees. Overall good tour and humbling experience. Some of these pictures may be offensive to some...BEWARE!

what a gentleman he carried mine too

The fertility cave...hmm I wonder why

a native delicacy

Guava fruits

Some one partied to much the night before

Bottoms Up...the water was shallow here...I did not here the bottoms up cue